INT. PRECINCT MAIN ROOM - DAY
A PLATE OF LASAGNA sits on BOYLE's desk. PERALTA, DIAZ, TERRY,
GINA, HITCHCOCK surround him. SANTIAGO enters.
What's going on?
(crouching, quietly, in a documentary
In the 1960's, psychologist Walter
Mischel conducted a series of
experiments with toddlers. He left
them in a room with a marshmallow,
promising that if they didn't eat it
before the researcher returned they
would receive double the reward.
Boyle is sweating. He reaches for a fork. The crowd inhales.
Classic experiment in delayed
Santiago looks puzzled
I took 2 semesters of pysch at
Brooklyn Community College. (mocking)
So, what does Boyle get if he doesn't
eat the lasagna?
Boyle puts down the fork. The crowd exhales.
Group dinner at Le Slug, the French
bistro he's been trying to drag us to
for months. He chooses the courses
I just want everyone to have a nice
time! I know your palates! Why must I
Because no one wants to spend $100 to
eat sauteed tentacles.
That's not even a French dish.
Terry needs real food. Do you know
how many frog legs it would take to
fill me up?
Did I mention the Lasagna is from
Ooooh! Lasagna from Leona's?! I love
Leona's! Mind if I have a bite?
Everyone looks on in horror. Scully picks up the lasagna with
his hand and downs half of it, squishing the other half in his
A chorus of groans.
Well, I guess you'll all never know
the true culinary delights of the
The Captain's door opens, he emerges with an astonishingly
What's going on out here?
What's going on out here? Sir, what's
going on (motions to his face) out
My husband is out of town so I slept
in my office last night. I couldn't
find my spare razor this morning.
FLASHBACK - PRECINCT MAIN ROOM
HITCHCOCK has his shirt off. Scully is shaving his back and
also eating buffalo wings with his other hand.
BACK TO SCENE
Wings? I guess that explains the
Wait, Captain, you grew that
I have an excess of testosterone.
It's why I'm so moody.
END OF TEASER
INT. BRIEFING ROOM - MORNING
Officers are assembled. Holt is at the podium. His full beard
has been shaved down to an incredible mustache.
Good morning. Our first order of
Peralta raises his hand
Sir, sorry to interrupt, but I think
our first order of business clearly
has to be finding out what happened
to Captain Holt, since you, his evil
twin, have infiltrated the precinct.
What have you done with the Captain?!
Peralta, my mustache is not on the
agenda for today.
Which is exactly what evil Holt would
Peralta's just jealous because he
can't grow a mustache.
Ha! You tried to grow one in the
academy and it somehow made you look
more like a little boy.
FLASHBACK - POLICE ACADEMY
A young Peralta enters with a pathetic smattering of dots on
his upper lip.
BACK TO SCENE
That actually wasn't an attempt at a
mustache, I just had an upper lip
rash from some bad chapstick. I can
totally grow a mustache.
Prove it, Beiber.
Perhaps discussing actual police work
will put some hair on your lip. Any
progress with the purse-snatching
Absolutely. I've got the young toughs
right where I want them.
On your Spotify playlist?
Is the young toughs even a band?
If you have to ask...
Gina, is there a reason you're
attending this morning briefing?
Yes, I need to be within 15 feet of
that sweet 'stache at all times.
Gina, you know I'm married.
To a man.
Sir, with all due respect, I'm a
dancer. I know how to turn a gay
Gina simultaneously winks and vogues.
I do not enjoy that.
You'll come around.
Sir! I'm close to solving my case
The prostitution ring?
Yup! Those hookers are going down.
Do you even hear yourself?
INT. PRECINCT MAIN ROOM
Boyle, I'm gonna need your help.
Ooh, you know I'd love to be of
assistance.... and honestly, it pains
me to even hint at saying the 'n'
Santiago is nervous.
(beat) No. But I'm pretty involved
with the Jake and the purse
snatchers. Ooh! I'm going to file
that under potential band names, if
Boyle opens his desk drawer and adds to a list that includes
"Hot Pizza", "Boyle and the cool dudes", "Friends Forever",
"Virile Stallions", and "The Muffins"
Ugh. I'm so close to busting this
escort service, but for the final
sting I need someone to serve as my
You should ask the sergeant. I think
he just closed a case. He's doing
Terry is doing burpees at his desk. Every time he gets up he
fills out another line of paperwork.
No offense, Boyle, but I need someone
who looks like they would need to pay
Ah. (beat) Oh.
INT. CAPTAIN'S OFFICE
Sir, I mustache you a question.
I got roped into speaking at my
FLASHBACK - EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY
Peralta is running after a teenaged PURSE SNATCHER with a
goatee. The Purse Snatcher runs up a plank and leaps over a
dumpster, parkour-style, losing Peralta.
Peralta returns to the victim, MRS. WELCHYK, a sweet-looking
older lady, to apologize.
(out of breath)
So sorry m'am. That kid with the
goatee is a real wily one. This is
his third offense this week. I can
assure you that the department is
doing everything in it's power to
bust these purse-snatchers. Here's my
card. Give the precinct a call to
follow later this week.
(looking at card)
Jake Peralta. I thought it was you!
Don't you remember me? I hope I
haven't changed that much!
Peralta is confused.
MRS. WELCHYK (CONT'D)
Ellen Welchyk from PS 82.
Mrs. Welchy? Oh wow! It's you! You
look... different. I remember you
The last time I saw you you were
crying because Dennis Philips called
you a pube.
I was mostly crying out of confusion.
And now look at you! All grown up! A
police officer! I bet you've got lots
of pubes now.
Um. You bet. Well, it was great
catching up with you. Stop by the
precinct any time to give your
Hey, why don't you stop by my class on Friday? It's career day.
END OF ACT ONE