BK 99

                                    "The Mustache"


               FADE IN:


               INT. PRECINCT MAIN ROOM - DAY

               A PLATE OF LASAGNA sits on BOYLE's desk. PERALTA, DIAZ, TERRY,
               GINA, HITCHCOCK surround him. SANTIAGO enters. 

                        What's going on?

                        (crouching, quietly, in a documentary
                        narration voice)
                        In the 1960's, psychologist Walter
                        Mischel conducted a series of
                        experiments with toddlers. He left
                        them in a room with a marshmallow,
                        promising that if they didn't eat it
                        before the researcher returned they
                        would receive double the reward.

               Boyle is sweating. He reaches for a fork. The crowd inhales. 

                        Classic experiment in delayed

               Santiago looks puzzled

                                   GINA (CONT'D)
                        I took 2 semesters of pysch at
                        Brooklyn Community College. (mocking)
                        Go pigeons!  

                        So, what does Boyle get if he doesn't
                        eat the lasagna? 

               Boyle puts down the fork. The crowd exhales. 

                        Group dinner at Le Slug, the French
                        bistro he's been trying to drag us to
                        for months. He chooses the courses
                        for everyone. 

                        I just want everyone to have a nice
                        time! I know your palates! Why must I

                        Because no one wants to spend $100 to
                        eat sauteed tentacles. 

                        That's not even a French dish. 

                        Terry needs real food. Do you know
                        how many frog legs it would take to
                        fill me up? 

                        (to Santiago)
                        Did I mention the Lasagna is from

                        Ooooh! Lasagna from Leona's?! I love
                        Leona's! Mind if I have a bite?

               Everyone looks on in horror. Scully picks up the lasagna with 
               his hand and downs half of it, squishing the other half in his

                                   SCULLY (CONT'D)

               A chorus of groans. 

                        Well, I guess you'll all never know
                        the true culinary delights of the

               The Captain's door opens, he emerges with an astonishingly
               full beard. 

                        What's going on out here?

                        What's going on out here? Sir, what's
                        going on (motions to his face) out

                        My husband is out of town so I slept
                        in my office last night. I couldn't
                        find my spare razor this morning. 


               HITCHCOCK has his shirt off. Scully is shaving his back and
               also eating buffalo wings with his other hand.  

               BACK TO SCENE

                        Wings? I guess that explains the

                        Wait, Captain, you grew that

                        I have an excess of testosterone.
                        It's why I'm so moody. 

                                                            TO BLACK:

                                      END OF TEASER
                                       ACT ONE

               FADE IN:



               Officers are assembled. Holt is at the podium. His full beard
               has been shaved down to an incredible mustache.  

                        Good morning. Our first order of

               Peralta raises his hand

                                   HOLT (CONT'D)
                        Yes. Peralta. 

                        Sir, sorry to interrupt, but I think
                        our first order of business clearly
                        has to be finding out what happened
                        to Captain Holt, since you, his evil
                        twin, have infiltrated the precinct.
                        What have you done with the Captain?!

                        Peralta, my mustache is not on the
                        agenda for today.  

                        Which is exactly what evil Holt would

                        Peralta's just jealous because he
                        can't grow a mustache. 

                        Not true. 

                        Ha! You tried to grow one in the
                        academy and it somehow made you look
                        more like a little boy. 


               A young Peralta enters with a pathetic smattering of dots on
               his upper lip.  

               BACK TO SCENE

                        That actually wasn't an attempt at a
                        mustache, I just had an upper lip
                        rash from some bad chapstick. I can
                        totally grow a mustache. 

                        Prove it, Beiber. 

                        Perhaps discussing actual police work
                        will put some hair on your lip. Any
                        progress with the purse-snatching

                        Absolutely. I've got the young toughs
                        right where I want them. 

                        On your Spotify playlist?

                        Is the young toughs even a band?

                        If you have to ask... 

                        Gina, is there a reason you're
                        attending this morning briefing? 

                        Yes, I need to be within 15 feet of
                        that sweet 'stache at all times. 

                        Gina, you know I'm married.

                        Don't care. 

                        To a man. 

                        Sir, with all due respect, I'm a
                        dancer. I know how to turn a gay

               Gina simultaneously winks and vogues. 

                        I do not enjoy that. 

                        You'll come around. 

                        Sir! I'm close to solving my case

                        The prostitution ring?

                        Yup! Those hookers are going down.  

                        Do you even hear yourself? 


               INT. PRECINCT MAIN ROOM

                        Boyle, I'm gonna need your help. 

                        Ooh, you know I'd love to be of
                        assistance.... and honestly, it pains
                        me to even hint at saying the 'n'

               Santiago is nervous. 

                                   BOYLE (CONT'D)
                        (beat) No. But I'm pretty involved
                        with the Jake and the purse
                        snatchers. Ooh! I'm going to file
                        that under potential band names, if
                        ever asked. 

               Boyle opens his desk drawer and adds to a list that includes
               "Hot Pizza", "Boyle and the cool dudes", "Friends Forever",
               "Virile Stallions", and "The Muffins"

                        Ugh. I'm so close to busting this
                        escort service, but for the final
                        sting I need someone to serve as my
                        fake John. 

                        You should ask the sergeant. I think
                        he just closed a case. He's doing
                        celebratory burpees. 

               Terry is doing burpees at his desk. Every time he gets up he
               fills out another line of paperwork. 

                        No offense, Boyle, but I need someone
                        who looks like they would need to pay
                        for sex. 

                        Ah. (beat) Oh. 


               INT. CAPTAIN'S OFFICE

                        Sir, I mustache you a question. 

                        Very witty. 

                        I got roped into speaking at my
                        elementary school. 


               Peralta is running after a teenaged PURSE SNATCHER with a
               goatee. The Purse Snatcher runs up a plank and leaps over a
               dumpster, parkour-style, losing Peralta. 

               Peralta returns to the victim, MRS. WELCHYK, a sweet-looking
               older lady, to apologize. 

                                   PERALTA (CONT'D)
                             (out of breath)
                        So sorry m'am. That kid with the
                        goatee is a real wily one. This is
                        his third offense this week. I can
                        assure you that the department is
                        doing everything in it's power to
                        bust these purse-snatchers. Here's my
                        card. Give the precinct a call to
                        follow later this week. 

                                   MRS. WELCHYK
                             (looking at card)
                        Jake Peralta. I thought it was you!
                        Don't you remember me? I hope I
                        haven't changed that much! 

               Peralta is confused. 

                                   MRS. WELCHYK (CONT'D)
                        Ellen Welchyk from PS 82. 

                        Mrs. Welchy? Oh wow! It's you! You
                        look... different. I remember you
                        being taller. 

                                   MRS. WELCHYK
                        The last time I saw you you were
                        crying because Dennis Philips called
                        you a pube. 

                        I was mostly crying out of confusion. 

                                   MRS. WELCHYK
                        And now look at you! All grown up! A
                        police officer! I bet you've got lots
                        of pubes now. 

                        Um. You bet. Well, it was great
                        catching up with you. Stop by the
                        precinct any time to give your

                                   MRS. WELCHYK
                        Hey, why don't you stop by my class on Friday? It's career day. 

                                                              TO BLACK:

                                      END OF ACT ONE