BK 99 Spec (so far)


                                      BK 99

                                    "The Mustache"

                                        TEASER

               FADE IN:

 

               INT. PRECINCT MAIN ROOM - DAY

               A PLATE OF LASAGNA sits on BOYLE's desk. PERALTA, DIAZ, TERRY,
               GINA, HITCHCOCK surround him. SANTIAGO enters. 

                                   SANTIAGO
                        What's going on?

                                   PERALTA 
                        (crouching, quietly, in a documentary
                        narration voice)
                        In the 1960's, psychologist Walter
                        Mischel conducted a series of
                        experiments with toddlers. He left
                        them in a room with a marshmallow,
                        promising that if they didn't eat it
                        before the researcher returned they
                        would receive double the reward.

               Boyle is sweating. He reaches for a fork. The crowd inhales. 

                                   GINA
                        Classic experiment in delayed
                        gratification. 

               Santiago looks puzzled

                                   GINA (CONT'D)
                        I took 2 semesters of pysch at
                        Brooklyn Community College. (mocking)
                        Go pigeons!  

                                   SANTIAGO
                        So, what does Boyle get if he doesn't
                        eat the lasagna? 

               Boyle puts down the fork. The crowd exhales. 

                                   PERALTA
                        Group dinner at Le Slug, the French
                        bistro he's been trying to drag us to
                        for months. He chooses the courses
                        for everyone. 

                                   BOYLE
                        I just want everyone to have a nice
                        time! I know your palates! Why must I
                        suffer? 

                                   PERALTA
                        Because no one wants to spend $100 to
                        eat sauteed tentacles. 

                                   BOYLE
                        That's not even a French dish. 

                                   TERRY
                        Terry needs real food. Do you know
                        how many frog legs it would take to
                        fill me up? 

                                   PERALTA
                        (to Santiago)
                        Did I mention the Lasagna is from
                        Leona's?

                                   SCULLY 
                             (entering)
                        Ooooh! Lasagna from Leona's?! I love
                        Leona's! Mind if I have a bite?

               Everyone looks on in horror. Scully picks up the lasagna with 
               his hand and downs half of it, squishing the other half in his
               hand. 

                                   SCULLY (CONT'D)
                        Whoopsie. 

               A chorus of groans. 

                                   BOYLE
                        Well, I guess you'll all never know
                        the true culinary delights of the
                        French. 

               The Captain's door opens, he emerges with an astonishingly
               full beard. 

                                   HOLT
                        What's going on out here?

                                   PERALTA
                        What's going on out here? Sir, what's
                        going on (motions to his face) out
                        here? 

                                   HOLT
                        My husband is out of town so I slept
                        in my office last night. I couldn't
                        find my spare razor this morning. 

               FLASHBACK - PRECINCT MAIN ROOM

               HITCHCOCK has his shirt off. Scully is shaving his back and
               also eating buffalo wings with his other hand.  

               BACK TO SCENE

                                   HITCHCOCK
                        Wings? I guess that explains the
                        rash. 

                                   PERALTA
                        Wait, Captain, you grew that
                        overnight?! 

                                   HOLT
                        I have an excess of testosterone.
                        It's why I'm so moody. 

                                                            TO BLACK:

                                      END OF TEASER
                                       ACT ONE

               FADE IN:

 

               INT. BRIEFING ROOM - MORNING

               Officers are assembled. Holt is at the podium. His full beard
               has been shaved down to an incredible mustache.  

                                   HOLT
                        Good morning. Our first order of
                        business-

               Peralta raises his hand

                                   HOLT (CONT'D)
                        Yes. Peralta. 

                                   PERALTA
                        Sir, sorry to interrupt, but I think
                        our first order of business clearly
                        has to be finding out what happened
                        to Captain Holt, since you, his evil
                        twin, have infiltrated the precinct.
                        What have you done with the Captain?!

                                   HOLT
                        Peralta, my mustache is not on the
                        agenda for today.  

                                   PERALTA
                        Which is exactly what evil Holt would
                        say. 

                                   DIAZ
                        Peralta's just jealous because he
                        can't grow a mustache. 

                                   PERALTA
                        Not true. 

                                   DIAZ
                        Ha! You tried to grow one in the
                        academy and it somehow made you look
                        more like a little boy. 

               FLASHBACK - POLICE ACADEMY

               A young Peralta enters with a pathetic smattering of dots on
               his upper lip.  

               BACK TO SCENE

                                   PERALTA
                        That actually wasn't an attempt at a
                        mustache, I just had an upper lip
                        rash from some bad chapstick. I can
                        totally grow a mustache. 

                                   DIAZ
                        Prove it, Beiber. 

                                   HOLT
                        Perhaps discussing actual police work
                        will put some hair on your lip. Any
                        progress with the purse-snatching
                        ring? 

                                   PERALTA
                        Absolutely. I've got the young toughs
                        right where I want them. 

                                   GINA
                        On your Spotify playlist?

                                   PERALTA
                        Is the young toughs even a band?

                                   GINA
                             (knowingly)
                        If you have to ask... 

                                   HOLT
                        Gina, is there a reason you're
                        attending this morning briefing? 

                                   GINA
                        Yes, I need to be within 15 feet of
                        that sweet 'stache at all times. 

                                   HOLT
                        Gina, you know I'm married.

                                   GINA
                        Don't care. 

                                   HOLT
                        To a man. 

                                   GINA
                        Sir, with all due respect, I'm a
                        dancer. I know how to turn a gay
                        dude. 

               Gina simultaneously winks and vogues. 

                                   HOLT
                        I do not enjoy that. 

                                   GINA
                        You'll come around. 

                                   SANTIAGO
                             (eagerly)
                        Sir! I'm close to solving my case
                        too! 

                                   HOLT
                        The prostitution ring?

                                   SANTIAGO
                        Yup! Those hookers are going down.  

                                   PERALTA
                        Do you even hear yourself? 

 

               INT. PRECINCT MAIN ROOM

                                   SANTIAGO
                        Boyle, I'm gonna need your help. 

                                   BOYLE
                        Ooh, you know I'd love to be of
                        assistance.... and honestly, it pains
                        me to even hint at saying the 'n'
                        word. 

               Santiago is nervous. 

                                   BOYLE (CONT'D)
                        (beat) No. But I'm pretty involved
                        with the Jake and the purse
                        snatchers. Ooh! I'm going to file
                        that under potential band names, if
                        ever asked. 

               Boyle opens his desk drawer and adds to a list that includes
               "Hot Pizza", "Boyle and the cool dudes", "Friends Forever",
               "Virile Stallions", and "The Muffins"

                                   SANTIAGO
                        Ugh. I'm so close to busting this
                        escort service, but for the final
                        sting I need someone to serve as my
                        fake John. 

                                   BOYLE
                        You should ask the sergeant. I think
                        he just closed a case. He's doing
                        celebratory burpees. 

               Terry is doing burpees at his desk. Every time he gets up he
               fills out another line of paperwork. 

                                   SANTIAGO
                        No offense, Boyle, but I need someone
                        who looks like they would need to pay
                        for sex. 

                                   BOYLE
                        Ah. (beat) Oh. 

 

               INT. CAPTAIN'S OFFICE

                                   PERALTA
                        Sir, I mustache you a question. 

                                   HOLT
                        Very witty. 

                                   PERALTA
                        I got roped into speaking at my
                        elementary school. 

               FLASHBACK - EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY

               Peralta is running after a teenaged PURSE SNATCHER with a
               goatee. The Purse Snatcher runs up a plank and leaps over a
               dumpster, parkour-style, losing Peralta. 

               Peralta returns to the victim, MRS. WELCHYK, a sweet-looking
               older lady, to apologize. 

                                   PERALTA (CONT'D)
                             (out of breath)
                        So sorry m'am. That kid with the
                        goatee is a real wily one. This is
                        his third offense this week. I can
                        assure you that the department is
                        doing everything in it's power to
                        bust these purse-snatchers. Here's my
                        card. Give the precinct a call to
                        follow later this week. 

                                   MRS. WELCHYK
                             (looking at card)
                        Jake Peralta. I thought it was you!
                        Don't you remember me? I hope I
                        haven't changed that much! 

               Peralta is confused. 

                                   MRS. WELCHYK (CONT'D)
                        Ellen Welchyk from PS 82. 

                                   PERALTA
                        Mrs. Welchy? Oh wow! It's you! You
                        look... different. I remember you
                        being taller. 

                                   MRS. WELCHYK
                        The last time I saw you you were
                        crying because Dennis Philips called
                        you a pube. 

                                   PERALTA
                        I was mostly crying out of confusion. 

                                   MRS. WELCHYK
                        And now look at you! All grown up! A
                        police officer! I bet you've got lots
                        of pubes now. 

                                   PERALTA
                        Um. You bet. Well, it was great
                        catching up with you. Stop by the
                        precinct any time to give your
                        statement. 

                                   MRS. WELCHYK
                        Hey, why don't you stop by my class on Friday? It's career day. 

                                                              TO BLACK:

                                      END OF ACT ONE